It’s been a long time since I felt expectations laid upon me as a Pastor’s Spouse. Gone are the days when I might be expected to direct the choir or teach Sunday School by virtue of being married to the Pastor. And yet, I still hear comments about The Pastor’s Spouse.
It’s still weirdly true in many church circles that opinions expressed regarding the Pastor’s Spouse are okay:
- “She doesn’t seem to like us very much.”
- “He’s never here on Sundays.”
- “She spends a fortune on clothes.”
- “He seems to be a good father.”
Yes, people talk about each other in congregational settings but conversation about the Pastor and the Pastor’s Family seem not only common. It’s routine.
Those of us with spouses are grateful that “the role of our spouse” is no longer part of our annual review (seriously, this was once a thing) and yet – across all professional and private roles – what Spouses do can impact our own reputations. Exhibit A: Ginny and Clarence Thomas. It feels hugely inappropriate for her to have business/relationships/opinions that bleed into his role as a Supreme Court Justice. A Pastor friend of mine shared a while back that her spouse’s letters to the editor of their local newspaper expressing views on everything from abortion to immigration were impacting her own ability to be a Pastor. People assume she has the same opinions as her spouse. Maybe she does and maybe she doesn’t.
But this has me thinking: Our spouses are their own people. And yet . . .
- What are spouse boundaries in terms of their personal activism?
- How do my spouse’s relationships impact my own professional life?
- Are spouses obliged to keep their opinions to themselves for the sake of the Church?
I was once asked in an interview (when I was a young single female pastor), if you moderate the Session, who will bake the brownies for the meeting? True story. I’m glad those days are over. And if they aren’t over where you live, I hope you address it.
HH and I are a team. And yet we are our own people.
What are your thoughts about spouses and boundaries? And this is not just a question for clergy families.
A Church for Starving Artists 
My mother protested the Vietnam War in 1967 by writing letters to the Editor and marching in the streets. My Dad was already in trouble for preaching an anti-war sermon and supporting C-67. The Session literally ran us out of town. Thanks to the presbytery for helping Dad find a new church. I was in college -and swore off the church (except that I have been ordained for 49 years!).
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Approximately one year ago, we called a male Senior Pastor/ Head of Staff who brought his husband with him. Since I knew this candidate for almost 20 years, his selection was both a joy and a no-brainer to me. What has been a new path is to see how his husband fits in to the life of the church, which he does. He has joined the church and contributes to the life of the church greatly.
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As a male spouse of a male pastor, and moving into a new church, I’m question where/how and even IF I want to participate in the new church. While I absolutely LOVE the people that have called my husband, I have let my husband know he’s not MY spiritual guide and I might seek another church in the area. It’s a bit of a tightrope and we’ll see how it all plays out. I might end up being active in more mundane activities (yard work for example and other non religious be social things) rather than being there on Sundays, as an extra helping hand for things that need work.
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It hasn’t changed that much. Many churches still act as if the first lady is a paid position. The spouse is there to support the pastor not to work for the church. Which creates a lot of tension in the home. Then churches ask the question how can ministers get divorced? They never think about the damage that they do to the minister’s relationship. It’s one thing to put unrealistic expectations on the pastor. But leave the spouse alone!🙏🏽
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