A Church for Starving Artists

One of the marks of a healthy church – in my opinion – is clarity between being transparent and holding things in confidence.

Our friends on LinkedIn define transparency and confidentiality this way:

Transparency is the practice of sharing relevant and timely information with your team, stakeholders, and customers.

Confidentiality is the obligation to protect sensitive or private information from unauthorized disclosure.

I’ve known people who wanted to serve in certain roles or on certain committees in order to get the dirt on church members or pastors. I’ve known “prayer circles” who cross the line between pastoral concern and what’s the secret scoop on our church friends.

Congregations with trust issues are the ones where visitors attend all business meetings because they don’t trust the leaders to share what’s going on. They have to see for themselves.

Congregations with trust issues are the ones with over-large boards. Show me a congregation with a membership of 100 and a elder board of 24 and I’ll show you a congregation that doesn’t trust each other.

What’s the everyday difference between transparency and confidentiality?

• It’s transparent to share that the pastor is taking time off for a medical procedure and will be back in the office in six weeks. The purpose of the pastor’s surgery is confidential.
• It’s transparent to share that the Christian Educator is leaving our congregation after three years of service. The reason the Christian Educator is leaving so abruptly is confidential.
• It’s transparent for the Pastor Nominating Committee to share that there are three finalists for the Pastor position. It’s breaking confidence to identify their names or details about them.

I once ran into a former church member in Marshall’s and she was furious about the fact that one of the pastors in her new church across town had been fired. “He was the best preacher on staff.” “He was loved by everyone.” “He visited my mother in the hospital.” “The other pastors must have been jealous of him and they got rid of him.”

As a leader in that Presbytery, I happened to know that the reason that pastor was fired involved sexual misconduct with youth members. It would have been easy for me to reveal that and shut her down. But I said something like, “You need to trust the process. There is probably information you aren’t aware of.” But she wanted to know. She wanted the details. She was owed the details.

Nope. Some things are confidential. We are not owed any details. We need to trust our leaders.

Now, sometimes our leaders are not trustworthy and if that’s the case, we need to elect different leaders. Bullies use information as a weapon and sometimes they make up false information. I see this way to often.

How do we foster trust? Be trustworthy.

Remember that Church is not about me and mine. It’s about transforming the world for good in the name of Jesus. Sadly, Jesus was killed by his own congregation. Let’s not be those people.

It comes as no surprise to anyone that church people sometimes get it wrong. We ignore people who are in obvious pain. We turn our backs on those who disappoint us or scare us.

When there’s a death, a birth, a surgery, or a fire, most human beings know the importance of reaching out to support those in the throes of life changes.

But people not only need care when they are dealing with illness, grief, and life transitions. Everybody – and I mean EVERYBODY – needs a care team when going through life’s more awkward, shameful, uncomfortable and unsavory experiences. I’m talking about those in our circles dealing with mental health challenges, addiction, false – or true – accusations, job loss, criminal activity, and any number of whispered-about life experiences. Everybody needs a care team.

(Note: not everybody can be on everybody’s care team. A care team must include people who are authentic supporters of the one needing care.)

Years ago, there was a church leader who was arrested for abusing vulnerable people in his place of employment. It was on the local news.

No abuse had happened in the church where he was a member. (It was thoroughly checked out.) But something had definitely happened in his workplace. And it was horrible. He admitted his guilt.

AND in the midst of this difficult time, his congregation was Church in the best possible way. This is what happened next:

The church leader stepped away from church leadership and refrained from participating in congregational life during the investigation. A care team was created for his parents who were also members of the congregation and a care team was created for the accused. In this particular situation, the former church leader was found guilty in a court of law and was incarcerated. And still – even in prison – the former church leader had a care team.

Jesus loved even the people we despise: thieves, heretics, liars, betrayers, and jerks. And when we have been the thief, the heretic, the liar, the betrayer, or the jerk, Jesus still loves us.

I’ve seen time and again that we in the Church abandon those in depths of their greatest agony. Sometimes their pain is undeserved. Sometimes they bring it upon themselves. God calls us to love them all.

So here is a message for my colleagues in Church World – especially for those in powerful positions: please offer care no matter the circumstances. Please do not condemn those who have not been proven guilty of anything. And even if they are guilty, remember that we are The Church for the guilty too.

And one final reminder: Not everybody can be on everybody’s care team. That’s okay. (It’s hard to care for the betrayer if you’re the one who’s been betrayed.) Others can step up.

I was a 33 year old pastor. He was a 32 year old pastor. We had previously served congregations in CT, NJ, and NY. And when we married and had a child and things were crazy as a two-church family, we decided to try out serving in the same congregation in Northern Virginia.

That was a little crazy too.

Clergy couples are like other couples who both have professional lives except this is one of the rare professions that involves taking your children to work and raising them – intimately – with your work partners, namely, your congregation.

One of the few offerings for Clergy Couples to get together and talk, pray, figure out our unique situations is the Called Together Retreat at Massanetta Springs Conference Center every summer.

You thought this post was merely about Clergy Couples, right? It’s actually about Massanetta Springs and how that conference center serves groups that are often ignored in the Church: clergy couples of all denominations.

[NOTE: Did you also know that this conference center houses refugees when they first arrive in the USA? It’s one of the best kept secrets in the Church.]

And then there are also the Middle School Conference, the Handbell Retreat, and the Bible and Church Music Conference – what you would ordinarily find at a church-related conference center.

HH and I met some of the other unique people in the world who know what it’s like to be Married Couples in Professional Ministry, and it was my first experience (but not my last!) at the Massanetta Springs Conference Center. And now I’m asking you to consider something in the name of Clergy Couples everywhere.

This Wednesday, April 17 I will be asking you to consider participating in the GREAT COMMUNITY GIVE of 2024.

Whether you can spare just $20 or $200, I am asking you to consider supporting Couples Called Together as well as the conference center in general as we try to raise $100,000 in one day to benefit Massanetta Springs Retreat Center. I can’t tell you how much I would appreciate it.

Thank you!

Top image from Easter morning 1989 as Co-Pastors with an 8 month old.

March Madness is over and temperatures are climbing and trees are blooming and the LORD is risen. And as congregations continue to seek resurrection for themselves, I am inspired by the basketball cheers of my favorite team:

When I say TAR, you say HEEL!

tar. HEEL! tar. HEEL!

A few reminders for Eastertide:

When you say WE WANT A YOUNG PASTOR WITH KIDS, I say: Do you really?

Young pastors with kids will not guarantee that you will “get new members” who are young families with kids. Also, today’s “young pastors with kids” are not like 1950-1970s “young pastors with kids” in that – these days – both moms and dads attend Parent-Teacher Conferences, soccer games, choir performances and pediatrician check ups. If your “young pastor” happens to be a single parent, you will be expected to offer additional support. When you say you’re looking specifically for a young pastor with kids, I see a red flag. Do you really want that?

When you say WE CAN ONLY PAY A MINIMUM SALARY FOR A PART-TIME PASTOR, I say: This means you will have to adjust your expectations.

Part-time means part-time. This pastor will need to find additional employment, perhaps in another church unless they are independently wealthy. No one can afford to live off of a minimum part-time salary. Actually sharing a pastor with another congregation also seeking a part-time pastor is an excellent idea in that one pastor can lead the same Zoom Bible Study for more than one congregation and congregations can trade off special services (Ash Wednesday at Church A and Good Friday at Church B). This makes for more community, more connections, more opportunities.

When you say WE ARE CUTTING DENOMINATIONAL SUPPORT, I say Can you show me in the Bible where God said, “I’m calling you to be lone rangers”?

Even the Big Steeple Churches that “don’t need the Presbytery” find spiritual growth in partnering with small congregations. (I remember a men’s quartet from a “big church” singing one summer Sunday in a “small church” and one of the singers told me that visiting that small church changed his life when he witnessed how they loved each other in ways he hadn’t seen in his own congregation.) In my own Presbytery we are one church with 93 locations. We share our resources to provide grants for each other. We partner for events because we can do more together.

When you say OUR PASTOR WON’T KEEP OFFICE HOURS, I say This means your pastor is out in the community where they should be.

Some pastors spend time in their offices. Some pastors work from home. All effective pastors spend most of their time connecting with the community beyond the walls of church and home. It’s a pastor’s job to meet with community leaders, high school kids, parents, and local McKinney-Vento Coordinators. (Seriously pastors: find out who your local public school homeless liaisons are and become best friends with those people. There’s at least one in every school system in every county of the USA.)

If any of these statements are regularly expressed in your church, please know that you need to remember that this is the 21st Century and church is not the same as it was even ten years ago much less twenty-five years ago.

When I say CHRIST IS RISEN. You say CHRIST IS RISEN INDEED!

What boulders are still blocking the possibility of resurrection in your congregation?

Last week’s little earthquake in New Jersey was felt in several other states and it’s also true that some residents of those states didn’t feel a thing.

Did you feel that? was a question asked in offices and classrooms and homes on Friday morning. But this post is not about that earthquake.

I’m thinking about the increasingly deep chasms between the rich and poor in the United States. This will not end well. Do you feel that?

Three stories felt a bit earth-moving last week:

• When I read that retirees in the United States will need $1.4 million to retire comfortably, I felt it. I felt like laughing. I felt like groaning. I felt like somebody needs a reality check. I’m so happy for you readers who will have $1.4 million when you retire, but most of us will not have anything close to that. And what is “comfortable?” To be able to pay your utilities? To be able to travel internationally every year? I’d like to know.
• When I read here that “an individual must make an annual salary of at least $101,338 — or an hourly wage of $48.72 — to achieve a comfortable lifestyle” in Charlotte, NC (where I live) I felt it. I felt it for the majority of the pastors in my Presbytery. Of the 280 pastors of Charlotte Presbytery, less than 20 make six figures in terms of what we are paid to serve our churches or agencies/organizations. Do you feel it? Do you feel that painful realization that some of our pastors are “comfortable” and the great majority – with the same education and experience in most cases – are “uncomfortable.” This study defines “comfortable” as being able to pay off debts, save for the future, and pay for housing, utilities, transportation and food. Note that this figure is for single adults living alone. If you happen to have children $101, 338 won’t be enough. I felt a deep sense of frustration and grief reading this.
• And finally, when I read the new (2025) Board of Pensions package in my denomination which was released last week, I definitely felt it. I felt the fear from young pastors (or older pastors) with dependent children in that their annual dues will increase to an untenable amount. I felt the comments from young colleagues who talked with me about the need to leave professional ministry for the sake of supporting their families. I felt the jealousy that colleagues without benefits feel when colleagues with benefits make comments on social media about their invitations to CREDO or financial assistance to pastors who hope to adopt a child. Our denomination felt the earth crack a little bit last Wednesday.

There is enormous inequity in the church and in the country in general. And if we don’t feel it, we have the responsibility to seek understanding as a member of the human family. Volunteer to mentor single moms living in poverty. Volunteer to read to kids whose parents don’t have the capacity to take them to the public library. Don’t just serve a meal at a shelter; sit with the residents and listen to their story.

I have a friend who parents her two children alone while seeking a new job. She lives in a crummy apartment but it’s what she can afford. When her 12 year old asks for money to take a school field trip and there’s no extra money, Mom feels it deep in her body. When her 16 year old has a cavity that’s becoming infected but there’s no money for a dentist, Mom feels it.

Did you feel it last week? Not the earthquake, but the growing crater between the haves and the have-nots? Maybe you felt it. Maybe you didn’t feel a thing.

Those of us who don’t feel it need a wake up call. What can we do about the cracks in our human foundation? This is a real question.

What version of the Bible were you just reading? Seminary Professor preaching at my ordination in Boston Presbytery

“That was the Southern Version.” Jane Miller from N.C. who read the Scripture before the sermon

I remember it was April 8, 1984 but my denomination has recorded it as April 1, 1984. April Fool’s Day is the perfect day for anybody’s ordination, so I’ll take it, even though I still think it was April 8th.

It happened at Burlington Presbyterian Church outside Boston and my parents, my grandmother, and my Aunt Jane were all present along with college friends, seminary friends, and assorted church people. It was the first time my grandmother had ever traveled north of Virginia. My Aunt Jane from Asheboro, NC was part of the ordaining commission.

Let me tell you about my father’s only sister, Jane. I imagine she would have gone to seminary herself if women did such things in the 1940s. She never told me that she thought I seemed to have gifts for professional ministry.

But she invited me to the commissioning of mission workers at Montreat Conference Center when I was a teenager. We researched Alonzo and Althea Edmiston together at the Historical Center, also at Montreat. I’m convinced that HH and I were called to Fairlington Presbyterian Church in Alexandria, VA (my second call) because the chairperson of the search committee happened to have a house (in Montreat again) down the street from my Aunt Jane.

She told me memorable stories about her life as a school secretary, a beauty salon owner, and a gift shop proprietor. But mostly she was a Church Lady, a follower of Jesus, and funny and loving human being. I loved her. She was faithful and feisty. I have stories I cannot share here.

Jane passed away in 2013 at the age of 88. Today she would be so proud of her children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren. One of her granddaughters is a PCUSA pastor whose ordination I was honored to participate in in 2018.

It’s hard to believe but I was ordained 40 years ago today. Or maybe it will be 40 years on April 8. Either way, I’m profoundly grateful.

Image of Easter Sunday (circa 1964) with me, cousins REMP and CAES, and Aunt Jane. (Note how I had the same hairdo as Jane.)

No. No they don’t.

I’m talking about the average human walking around in the United States today.

I volunteer for a secular organization and they scheduled a required training for Holy Week. It’s tonight to be specific. It’s Tuesday of Holy Week. Did I mention that this was intentionally scheduled for this week?

Why would any organization schedule a required, two hour event on Holy Week? It’s because they don’t know, don’t care, don’t track that it’s a wildly busy week for church people. Because they are not church people.

A cursory search of events happening in my city this week (when Church World will be washing feet, remembering The Last Supper, hearing the Last Seven Words, and waking up before dawn expecting an empty tomb) include:

• All week: The North Carolina Association for Middle Level Education Conference
• Tuesday: A showing of the documentary The Donut King followed by a panel discussion on refugees who succeed in the USA
• Wednesday: A Small Business Speed Networking Event
• Thursday: A National Conference on Academic Bullying
• Friday: Trap Bingo (apparently this is very popular)
• Saturday: A Freaknik (freaky + picnic) featuring Boston Richey and the Bubba Man Tour
• Sunday: Beginner Sword Fighting Workshop featuring Historical European Martial Arts Instructor Jessica Blair at 11:00 am

Do they know it’s Holy Week? Nope. Do they care? Nope.

We who live semi-cloistered lives in the Church (I’m talking pastors, church administrators, church musicians, church educators, church nerds) sometimes forget that our culture is increasingly secular. We know this on paper. Lots of people write about it.

I shared last year that when HH and I went out to brunch after worship on Easter, it was clear that we were the only people who had celebrated the Resurrection. I could tell, not because of clothing choices (not many Easter sundresses and bow ties) but because it was clear that people had just roused themselves out of bed and/or the day drinking had started.

We no longer live in a culture of Christendom, at least where I live even though I am technically living in The Bible Belt. This reality is important to remember when we have meetings about “getting people to come to church.” If the average person has the choice between participating in a freaknik or a Holy Saturday Vigil, most will go with the freaknik . . . or a nap.

One more time for the love of God: Thriving congregations are the ones addressing what breaks God’s heart in their community in the name of Jesus Christ.

Some of us believe that Jesus is the One who washed the feet of sinners, died for his friends and rose from the dead giving us hope forever, and we are part of a congregation in response to those truths. Increasingly, more and more of our neighbors do not believe such things. Or perhaps they believe in the quiet of their homes, in their favorite coffee shops, or at a sword fighting workshop.

In light of my last post, I have been reading books about people who have left the Church for various reasons:

• Because the Church blamed her bipolar disorder on her own faithlessness. (Anna Gazmarian in Devout: A Memoir of Doubt)
• Because the Church shunned her after divorcing her husband (Promise Enlow in The Exvangelicals)
• Because it’s increasingly hard to find a stable and healthy congregation (Jim Davis, Michael Graham & Ryan Burge in The Great Dechurching: Who’s Leaving, Why Are They Going, and What Will It Take to Bring Them Back?

Quotes like these are everywhere in the media:

I have no interest in going back to temple and little trust or appetite for organized religion.  Jessica Grose in a The New York Times op-ed.

You told me to love my enemies, to even do good to those who wish for bad things. You told me to never “hate” anyone and to always find ways to encourage people. You told me it’s better to give than receive, to be last instead of first. You told me that Jesus looks at what I do for the least-of-these as the true depth of my faith. You told me to focus on my own sin and not to judge. You told me to be accepting and forgiving.

I paid attention. I took every lesson. And I did what you told me.

But now, you call me a libtard. A queer-lover. You call me “woke.” A backslider. You call me a heretic. A child of the devil. You call me soft. A snowflake. A socialist.

What the hell did you expect me to do? I thought you were serious, apparently not. Chris Kratzer on Threads

As a mainline Presbyterian Christian with some Bible Church years under my belt and a commitment to Young Life in high school, I find myself semi-obsessed with the flagrant fouls* committed in our congregations. I would feel pessimistic about The Church, but I’m feeling high from a weekend where one congregation seeking a new pastor for years unanimously called an excellent new leader, another congregation overwhelmingly voted to sell some of their property to Dream Key Partners to build affordable housing, and a small college installed an extraordinary new chaplain in the presence of a packed chapel filled with college students – many of them queer. God is amazing even when we forget that God created us to be amazing.

*It’s college basketball season. Thanks be to God.

Note: I recommend all three of the featured books. Can’t put them down.

And by “okay” I mean “acceptable.”

For example:

• Is it okay to mock your pastor behind their back?
• Is it okay to send anonymous letters to church members?
• Is it okay to use financial pledges as weapons?
• Is it okay to have secret meetings to strategize against something or someone?
• Is it okay to make purchases “for the church” without authorization?
• Is it okay to serve in the same role for over 6 years?
• Is it okay to yell “shut up” in a meeting?
• Is it okay to yell at the pastor and storm out during worship?
• Is it okay to make racist comments in meetings?
• Is it okay to ignore signs of addiction among staff members?
• Is it okay to use church credit cards for personal purchases?
• Is it okay to gossip?
• Is it okay to expect the pastor’s family to participate in everything?
• Is it okay to date the pastor?
• Is it okay to get drunk with the pastor?
• Is it okay to expect the pastor to be available 24/7?

I often write about church culture and there are multiple ways to understand a congregation’s culture. But the simplest is to identify what’s okay and what’s not okay.

As most of us know, there are mean people in our congregations although none of us would identify either our congregations or ourselves as “mean.” Denial is a killer.

And when we have terrible boundaries or we tolerate bullies or we play games with God’s people – and when we do not hold each other accountable for such things – we are killing our congregation. We might think we are protecting it or honoring it or preserving it. But we are killing it.

On most days, I see multiple signs of the Spirit moving through people in the way they serve and it’s beautiful. And on some days, I see utter dysfunction in the congregations God loves. It’s not okay.

This is the season – in each of the monotheistic faiths – when we take a hard look at who we are. Even if we consider ourselves to be good and faithful people, please take that hard look. I’m weary of “former Christians” lifting up all the destructive actions that made them leave the Church. The truth is that they are right.

I was an exhausted pastor on vacation and had attended worship at my home church in Chapel Hill, so happy to be able to worship without having any responsibilities. The church had a new pastor and as we greeted him on our way out, I asked “How’s it going?” His response shocked me.

“I’m having so much fun!”

I wondered, “Who is this strange pastor who dares to have fun while serving a congregation I knew to be demanding?” (His initials are BD for those who know and love him.)

Meeting with a different colleague last week, he shared that – when he talks with exhausted pastors – he asks them, “What are you paid to do that you love doing? Focus on those things.”

What is most fun about your current role – whether you are a pastor, a first responder or a stay-at-home parent? I can only answer for myself:

• I love meeting people for coffee to talk about their calling and watching them figure it out.
• I love meetings where participants get that they are together to discern Big Ideas that have something to do with the Holy.
• I love witnessing that moment when a congregation decides to step out on a limb and do something that will change people’s lives.
• I love meeting new pastors for lunch. (Can you believe I get paid to meet people for lunch and talk about what’s fun for them in ministry?)

Those are the fun things. And I’ll admit that some of those coffee meetups, meetings, and moments are about not-fun-things. They are about cruelties and injustices and deep grief and shame. Those are not at all fun and yet I can take them when there is some lightness/fun sprinkled into each day.

“What are you paid to do that you love doing?

It’s a great question for these Lenten Days.

Image of organizational psychologist Adam Grant with a quote from his Threads post today.