Is Our Biggest Problem How We Treat Each Other?

“Over the course of her long ascent from ranch girl to the first female justice on the Supreme Court, (Sandra Day O’Connor) had come to understand that self-restraint and civility would make her more, not less, powerful.” Evan Thomas for The Washington Post

I deeply respected Sandra Day O’Connor in spite of our political differences. She dealt with both her personal and professional life with a kind of calm and maturity I aspire to have. More calm and maturity would be helpful in politics, in business, and especially in church these days.

When Sandra Day graduated third in her Stanford Law School class but could not get a job because of her gender, she pivoted and served as a deputy county attorney in California offering to work without pay.

When Chief Justice Warren Burger introduced Sandra Day O’Connor as the newest member of the Supreme Court with these words – “You’ve never seen me with a better-looking justice” – she most likely noted it but waited to respond with actions over words.

When her husband was ill with dementia to the point of believing that a different woman was his wife, she was relieved that he was at peace, knowing that Alzheimer’s was the reason for his confusion.

When the Supreme Court voted to uphold Roe v Wade in 1992, she voted to keep the law for the sake of the wider population knowing this would displease some in her own political party.

Many of us who are not white and male have learned to keep our frustrations to ourselves through the years. And my point here is not that there is never a time to speak up. My point is – and this makes me so weary – we have got to learn how to treat each other with calm restraint.

• When we know God is calling us but the world is not cooperating, we might need to pivot.
• When someone makes a comment about our shoes, our spouse’s hair, our kid’s personality, or anything else that we’d call unnecessary if not inappropriate, we file that away and move on.
• When we can be a drama queen – or king or ruler of any kind – we choose to be unflappable.
• When a huge decision is to be made, we choose according to what’s best for the whole, not what’s easiest for ourselves.

Yes, sometimes I want to scream, lash out, send an angry email, retaliate, avenge, blackball, gossip about, blow off steam and/or throw shoes in response to the actions of others. And I need safe people with whom I can express my frustrations. But we have got to restrain ourselves.

Last week in multiple conversations with pastors and other church leaders, the same issue kept popping up: we have forgotten how to treat each other. Not every off-handed comment deserves a nuclear reaction. Not every bump in the road requires a defensive strategy. Not every slight means we are a hapless victim.

Again, there are times to speak up and out.

And yet there is enormous power in restraint and civility. Exhibit A: Justice Sandra Day O’Connor.

Image of Justice Sandra Day O’Connor painted by Jean Marcellino for The National Portrait Gallery in Washington, DC (2008)