The Last Times and The First Times

Anyone who has read this blog for a while knows that I think about death a lot. I have my reasons.

Necessary Losses is still an important book for parents, pastors and retirees, and I plan to read it again in the coming months. I’ve written quite a bit about retirement and I am privileged to experience it myself in the next few months. I feel strongly about retirement.

• Most of our youngest pastors will not retire after 40 years in professional ministry. Thank you Cliff Lyda.
• Some pastors have, unfortunately, retired in place. Thank you Mary Marcotte.
• Nobody taught us in seminary about abandonment issues.

I remember the last time I served communion to MVW. She was an elder who had just served the congregation The Lord’s Supper and – as was our custom at that church – the 8 elders and deacons who had served the congregation sat on the front pew and I then served them by name. I remember saying to her, “This is the bread of life, broken for you M. This is the cup of salvation, poured out for you, M.” She was dying of cancer. I knew it was the last time I would serve her communion in that sanctuary.

Terrible and beautiful.

I remember saying goodbye to a beloved elder in the hospital knowing she’d be gone by morning. How do you keep saying goodbye to people you love over and over and over again? The quick answer is that you cry and then you trust you will see them again.

Last Christmas Eve, HH and I sat side by side in church pews for the first time in over 40 years. He was retiring and I had no church responsibilities. It was heavenly. As bells rang and liturgists participated in a perfectly arranged reading of the lessons, we both sat there in our fancy-ish clothes with other people in fancy-ish clothes absorbing only inspiration and beauty. We didn’t have to check with the ushers. We didn’t have to jerry rig a sagging microphone. We just sat there relishing in the beauty.

(I remember a woman in her fancy-ish clothes many Christmas Eves ago who asked me on her way out of the 11 pm service what I was wearing under my robe. What she meant was that she was wearing a glittery cocktail dress for the occasion and was I also wearing a special outfit? I laughed out loud because I was maybe wearing a t-shirt and pants that were too big. Did she not realize that Christmas Eve for the pastor didn’t involve parties and our children would maybe get a PB&J for dinner at midnight?)

Again, sitting in a pew on Christmas Eve was heavenly. I will most likely get to do that again this December 24th.

I am also bracing myself/hoping to relish my last sermon, the last time I serve The Lord’s Supper, my last General Presbyter Report, my last committee meeting. I am frankly quite excited. And also these are necessary Last Things.

As we enter “The Holiday Season” this week, it will be the last time some families will enjoy Thanksgiving with a sick parent. It will be the last time in the family home before it’s sold next year. It will be the last Christmas morning before the divorce is settled.

And it will be a time of firsts: the first Thanksgiving with a new baby, the first Christmas with a new partner. The first Christmas you get to sing Silent Night in a pew with your pastor spouse.

Several of my colleagues have lost spouses in recent weeks and months. Kids have lost parents. Parents have lost employment. My hope is that we can deeply appreciate the joys and sorrows of first and last times. Most of the time, we won’t even realize that “this will be the last time.” But that’s a blessing too. It’s why we have community: to be with us in those terrible and beautiful times.