A Church for Starving Artists

Some of us are poetic preachers. Some of us are world-class administrators. Some of us have brilliant theological minds. And some of us are the Einsteins of bedside manner. Assuming that we in the Church want to know/imitate/follow Jesus, we are on the same team. Not an original thought.

As a person who works with seminarians preparing for professional ministry, pastors currently serving as professional ministers, and pastors between calls or retired, there are countless ways to serve God in and outside the institutional Church.

Nevertheless, I’ve noticed that healthy leaders of all kinds have the following:

1. Boundaries. No we can’t schedule your wedding for that weekend because I will be my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary. And you can’t get married New Year’s Eve in the sanctuary because that’s not fair to the church staff. And you can’t borrow money from your parishioners. And it’s a terrible idea to sleep with the new members.
2. Perspective. We are nobody’s savior – even and especially when people say we are. We cannot fix people’s lives. Or The Church. We can love people, stand with them, offer support.
3. Vulnerability. Each of us deals with something that somebody considers shameful. Pretending our lives are anything close to perfect will do us no favors.
4. A Cohort. These are the people with whom we can be especially vulnerable.
5. Energy. If you don’t have anymore of it, it’s okay. You don’t have to do this same ministry forever.
6. Intelligence. Curiosity is good.
7. Imagination. Imagine sharing leadership with staff and volunteers. Imagine what might happen if we partnered with the Methodists. Imagine having worship Thursday nights.
8. Love. Bottom line: do we love these people?

Do we love God’s people enough to share difficult truths, stand with them when they have to share difficult truths with someone else, forgive them, encourage them, hold them accountable, offer them grace?

Congregations: do you also acknowledge that loving your church leaders involves sharing difficult truths, standing with them when they have to share difficult truths with someone else, forgiving them, encouraging them, holding them accountable, offering them grace?

Because we are all on Team Jesus. Aren’t we? It’s all about love.

Church World is rallying/kicking off/starting all the things this week – unless your congregation is among the eager ones who started everything in August.

It’s off to the races. But it doesn’t have to be.

Slow down. Take a deep breath (says the Pastor who is just back from a three month sabbatical.)

Read Alex Lang’s viral message “Why I Left the Church” if you haven’t already. And imagine giving yourself, your church staff, your congregation time to address things that feed the soul. (Spoiler alert: it’s not what we’ve been spending most of our time doing.)

Before we rush out of the door on the Tuesday morning after Labor Day, before we overfill our fall calendars, before restart/perpetuate destructive habits, can we train ourselves to ask this question over the course of our days:

How is this (meeting/event/conversation/moment) deepening my relationship with God and others?

Am I really listening? Am I open to changing my opinion? Am I aware this this person before me is a child of God?

It’s a start. Also Alex’s last sermon as the Head of Staff of First Presbyterian Church of Arlington Heights, IL is worth a listen. Breathe in. Breathe out.

I knew Alex Lang when I served in Chicago Presbytery. He was a bold choice when called to serve as Head of Staff of First Presbyterian Church of Arlington Heights in his early thirties. And as a person who has served alongside hundreds of pastors, I can confidently say that Alex is among the best of us.

The last Sunday in August was his last not only in that congregation but in professional ministry in general Please read his story here..

Consider the hard work of faithful pastors on this Labor Day weekend. Thank you.

Back from sabbatical and s-l-o-w-l-y re-entering so that I don’t lose all the good Sabbath habits from the past three months.

– I missed lots of social media birthdays. Know I love you, Summer Birthday People.

– I’m back in the office Tuesday. Have already deleted all my office emails from the past three months as I said I would need to do. If you sent me essential information from the summer, I didn’t see it and know our staff handled it if necessary.

– One of my early back-from-sabbatical goals is to figure out how to offer Sabbatical time (and funding) to all professional church staff, especially those who have never been able to have this time.

And finally – if you are eligible for a Sabbatical wherever you serve (church, academics, etc.) please take it. If you are offered one and you don’t take it, that’s on you. (No saving Sabbatical months to tack onto your retirement.)

Great to be back!

Image from The Garden of Gethsemane.

One of the hardest I’ve ever laughed in my life – and so inappropriately – is when I was the guest at a funeral and the soloist sang Feelings (whoa whoa whoa) by Morris Albert:

Feelings, feelings like I’ve never lost you
And feelings like I’ve never have you again in my heart

Just no.

This post is not about that but – sadly – the first thing that pops into my mind when I hear the word “feelings” is that song. I am hoping to replace that first thought pop-up with this instead:

“I don’t know how to feel” is more common that we’d like to admit. It’s seems easier to numb out. It’s harder to let the pain sink in, and yet feeling is what makes us human. It’s what keeps us from being plastic and fake.

A couple things about Jesus:

He felt things deeply.

He reminds us that – when we gather for the Lord’s Supper – we are drinking to remember even though many of us drink to forget.

To feel. To share feelings. To love and support each other. To make earth more like heaven especially when it feels like hell. This is what we were made for.

Two things:

1. I am not a “What if?” person ordinarily. I don’t spend time pondering “What if I’d met HH in seminary?” or “What if we’d accepted that call in ____?”
2. I’m not writing this so that you will respond with being sorry my Mom died so young. Yes, it was a life-altering experience and parishioners from those first years after she died still remind me how much I choked up when I was their pastor during prayers and sermons and ordinary conversations. (Romans 8 was a challenge to say out loud even though I believed it.) It’s not the most shattering thing in life to lose your mom when you have a six week old baby. But it was not easy.

Mom would have been 90 years old today.

More to give myself a moment’s indulgence rather than feel sad or sorry for myself, I spent time over the weekend imagining “What if?” What if she were alive today?

I imagine her to be in good enough health to be able to have dinner at her favorite restaurant – The Angus Barn – with her kids and grandkids and all our spouses over the weekend. And Dad – who I imagine would be there at age 93 if she were alive – would need a cane even though he left it in the car because he’s always been that guy.

(He died just after she did of a broken heart. And also non-Hodgkins lymphoma.)

She would have had 13 grandchildren and five great-grandchildren with another one on the way. We would probably have gathered for an exhausting time over at C&C’s in Raleigh – after dinner – with cake and ice cream and all the great-grand babies. SNE would have baked not one but two of Mamaw’s pound cakes. (Big crowd.) SET would have helped her pick out a cute outfit.

We would have laughed hysterically about those times Mom and Dad and Mamaw and Papaw played Rook late into the night with color commentary after each hand. Or the time Mom, C, and I watched Team USA beat Russia in the 1980 Winter Olympics and we lost our minds as if we knew anything about ice hockey. There would be another 35 years worth of stories.

Dad would have commented that Mom’s always been “a jewel.” He would have gotten a little weepy when he said it.

I’d rather have had my mom for only 32 years than have any other mom for a longer lifetime. The truth is that her lifetime was excruciatingly short and her death altered all of our lives. But HH and I try to keep her alive by talking about her and Dad often. I have lunch on her birthday every year with a mom I admire.

If you knew her (she has two surviving siblings, 20 surviving nieces and nephews, and 19 first cousins) I’d love for you to share a memory in the comments. Or just thank God that we all get to know each other.

As the global treasure Nelba Marquez-Greene always says, “God bless especially the grievers.”

To be called “The New Black” means something’s newly popular and – often – in the news. Not only have pink (the Barbie movie) and orange (the TV show about women in prison) been called The New Black, you don’t have to be a color to be considered. Coding, Physics, and Cronuts have each been “The New Black” in their own contexts.

I wonder if Anxiety is (and has been for a while) The New Black.

On Sabbatical, I’ve had time to read multiple newspapers and listen to several podcasts each day. And every single day there are multiple pieces about anxiety to the point that it increases my own personal levels of anxiety. (i.e. worrying about worrying)

• Young people are experiencing more anxiety than ever according to the American Academy of Pediatrics as reported by CNN.
• Parents are also overwhelmed with anxiety according to this article.
• Anxiety is good for business, says The Wall Street Journal.
• Anxiety is good for giving us a kick in the pants, again from the WSJ.

Current mental health statistics reveal an increase in anxiety globally.

And have you noticed how the retail industry has literally banked on anxiety since the beginning of time? The wrong deodorant = social disaster. The wrong tires = unsafe driving. The wrong college = future limitations. The wrong disinfectant = disease. The wrong face cream = aging. The wrong pharmaceuticals = more anxiety.

The koine Greek work for anxious is μεριμνάω (merimnaō) and it shows up over 20 times in the New Testament. Obviously anxiety is not a new issue.

But as we Church People consider what breaks God’s heart in our post-pandemic, politically divided, gun-saturated, individualistic culture, addressing anxiety seems to be a place to start. Are we adding to the anxiety or relieving it? Are we offering a community where sharing anxiety is safe? Are we offering a message of resilience – not because of who we are but because of who God is?

The Future Church will truly be a sanctuary and by that I don’t mean that we will avoid conflict or the realities of a broken world. We will face our conflicts and address this broken world with the Truth that there is a different way.

Image of the mega-sized lotion I use to relieve stress. Frankly, it’s going to take more than lotion.

*I’m increasingly cognizant that using the word “Black” is fraught in that it impacts people with dark skin. I’m using the word here to quote a familiar saying.

It’s been a long time since I felt expectations laid upon me as a Pastor’s Spouse. Gone are the days when I might be expected to direct the choir or teach Sunday School by virtue of being married to the Pastor. And yet, I still hear comments about The Pastor’s Spouse.

It’s still weirdly true in many church circles that opinions expressed regarding the Pastor’s Spouse are okay:

• “She doesn’t seem to like us very much.”
• “He’s never here on Sundays.”
• “She spends a fortune on clothes.”
• “He seems to be a good father.”

Yes, people talk about each other in congregational settings but conversation about the Pastor and the Pastor’s Family seem not only common. It’s routine.

Those of us with spouses are grateful that “the role of our spouse” is no longer part of our annual review (seriously, this was once a thing) and yet – across all professional and private roles – what Spouses do can impact our own reputations. Exhibit A: Ginny and Clarence Thomas. It feels hugely inappropriate for her to have business/relationships/opinions that bleed into his role as a Supreme Court Justice. A Pastor friend of mine shared a while back that her spouse’s letters to the editor of their local newspaper expressing views on everything from abortion to immigration were impacting her own ability to be a Pastor. People assume she has the same opinions as her spouse. Maybe she does and maybe she doesn’t.

But this has me thinking: Our spouses are their own people. And yet . . .

• What are spouse boundaries in terms of their personal activism?
• How do my spouse’s relationships impact my own professional life?
• Are spouses obliged to keep their opinions to themselves for the sake of the Church?

I was once asked in an interview (when I was a young single female pastor), if you moderate the Session, who will bake the brownies for the meeting? True story. I’m glad those days are over. And if they aren’t over where you live, I hope you address it.

HH and I are a team. And yet we are our own people.

What are your thoughts about spouses and boundaries? And this is not just a question for clergy families.

Two quick stories:

1. As HH and I were recently landing at JFK from our travels, the flight attendant came on the intercom and asked all passengers to remain in our seats for fifteen minutes before disembarking. There was a medical emergency and the aisles would need to be clear so that EMTs could board with a stretcher. As soon as the plane landed about half the passengers stood up, retrieved their carry-on bags from the bins and stood in the aisles. Had they not heard the flight attendant’s request? Then the captain took the mic and asked everyone to who was standing to return to their seats so that the medical personnel could get a stretcher down the aisle. Nobody moved. Seriously. No. Body. Moved. The EMTs boarded and made their way down the aisle around the passengers with their carry-ons and then escorted parents with a sick child who was in their father’s arms because they couldn’t get the stretcher down the aisle. This happened on August 2nd on Delta Flight 235.
2. When I was a parish pastor, I was told that one of the Sunday School teachers had tossed the curriculum and was teaching her students etiquette instead of Bible lessons. Her own daughters were in the class but the etiquette was needed for the other students, she later told me, because they had not been raised right in her opinion. None of their parents attended our church which – she explained – was probably why they didn’t know how to dress or eat their snacks properly. Her concern was that “they didn’t really belong” in our church. (Her words.) This was in the early 1990s.

Meanness, rudeness, sadness, and loneliness are not new in our culture. And yet it’s getting worse.

Please read this 2023 article by David Brooks. I don’t always agree with him, but he rightly notes that our culture is a hot mess. According to Brooks, we can blame:

Technology  – “Social media is driving us all crazy.”

Sociology: “We’ve stopped participating in community organizations and are more isolated.”

Demography: “America, long a white-dominated nation, is becoming a much more diverse country, a change that has millions of white Americans in a panic.”

The Economy: “High levels of economic inequality and insecurity have left people afraid, alienated, and pessimistic.”

Actually, though, Brooks says the true reason for our moral demise is this:

We inhabit a society in which people are no longer trained in how to treat others with kindness and consideration.

I would put it another way:

We have utterly forgotten that every human being has been created in the image of God.

Do we need lessons in etiquette, emotional intelligence, regulation of our own emotions, morality and cultural awareness? Probably. But mostly we need spiritual maturity and by that I mean that we need to learn – and this is lifelong learning – about loving our neighbors simply because they bear the image of God. I include in this list kids who don’t dress well or know which fork to use, sick children on airplanes and their exhausted parents, rude people, Donald Trump, and people who criticize the Barbie movie even if they haven’t seen it.

This was once a role of the Church but – honestly – there are so many examples of how the Church has failed here. It’s no surprise that most people (and the numbers are increasing) don’t look to the Church for teaching what the love of God looks like.

We in the Church are often too busy covering up misconduct, keeping bullies happy, or perpetuating an institution rather than deeply loving God and neighbor as (we think we are loving) ourselves.

We are not loving ourselves when we are greedy, self-centered, clueless, and disdainful. And yet I actually hear people boasting about how the meaning of life – for them – is about:

• Looking out for me and mine
• Clinging to grudges
• Destroying rivals
• Taking advantage

Church People: I have no answers about how to get more people to your congregation’s Rally Day (aka Sunday School Kickoff) in September. But I will ask another question:

Look at the DNA of your congregation and note what about your church’s programming, mission, worship, and hospitality teaches mean, rude, sad, or lonely people how to be different?

Image of Hot Mess Barbie. She’s everywhere.

Warning: Spoilers. Sort of.

I used to float, now I just fall down
I used to know but I’m not sure now
What I was made for
What was I made for?

From What Was I Made For? by Billie Eilish from the Barbie movie.

We are not our jobs no matter how important they might be. We are not our houses or our cars or our vacations no matter how impressive they might be. We are not our relationships. We are not what somebody paid for.

We were made because . . . God.

And we don’t always have to be on our toes.

One of the reasons I’m not a fan of complementarianism is because God created us for different purposes that are not always gender-specific. Even in Scripture, women can be prophets, entrepreneurs, judges and spiritual leaders. I believe that while we have different particular purposes, all of us share at least two:

• We are called to be the person God created us to be.
• We are called to treat others as God created them to be.

Valued. Loved. Honored – just for being us because that’s how God created things.

Image of Margot Robbie from the Barbie movie.

P.S. I love this article in The New Yorker that includes the fact that “Gerwig presented (film) executives with a poem in the style of the Apostles’ Creed“ when pitching her idea for the film. I hope somebody still has that poem.