The Exit Interview

Note:  All of us serving in professional ministry will leave our current call – either by our own death, the death of the church, firing, or moving to a new call.  It’s good to prepare for this.

I’m a fan of Exit Interviews.  It’s essential – and fun – to reflect on what worked, what didn’t work, what mistakes were made. 

I never had an exit interview after 22 years in the church I loved,  but it wasn’t because we didn’t try.  The schedules were tight and then I moved to Illinois.  That’s just how it went.

I was part of the exit interview this past week for a wise and accomplished pastor in the PCUSA.  We talked about what worked, what didn’t work, and what mistakes were made.  We pondered his and the congregation’s future.  We remembered that – in his first years following a long-term pastor – it’s wasn’t easy.  And it won’t be easy for the pastor that follows him.

And then we asked him to sign a covenent saying – among other things – that

• he would not officiate at wedding, funerals, and baptisms after his retirement
• he would not offer pastoral care to the congregation after his retirement
• he would maintain friendships but not engage in conversations that involve congregational matters after he retires.

It was not easy for him to sign this covenant.  In fact, he seemed a little miffed.

It’s come to this:  that we have to sign agreements NOT to serve our former congregations.  This particular pastor admitted that it would rip him up inside to know that a former parishioner had died, was suffering, enjoyed a divine victory and he would not be able to respond.

I totally get this.

The spouse of one of my former parishioners died suddenly this week and I am a bit of a wreck.  The church is in very good hands.  The grieving family is in very good hands.  But it rips me up inside not to be able to comfort the widow and her children.  I baptized one of their kids.  The other was in confirmation with my own children.  It’s not easy, but it’s the right thing to do in terms of that congregation learning how to love and follow a new leader.

I feel for the retired pastor whose spouse and children have not retired.  I feel for the pastor who – after 20+ years in a community – retires and suddenly has no faith community.  I feel for the congregation that still feels connected to their last pastor. 

In a healthy church, everybody is a grownup and relationships remain unimpaired.  But it’s important to maintain good boundaries, and especially to remember that the church is not about the pastor.  It’s about Jesus.

And so we feel sorrow and we grieve former relationships.  But – after new relationships have been nurtured and solidified – old friends can once again share good memories of a ministry that brought goodness and growth.  At least, this is my hope.