Read This Book (Unless You Can’t)

Lillian Daniel’s new memoir about being a self-described “bad pastor” is hot right now. Her writing is dependably exquisite whether she’s detailing stories of ministry or explaining how to paint a fence. Actually she’s never written about fence painting as far as I know, but her books are always bestsellers in Church World.

This is not a book review. It’s a pastoral plea – or something like that.

Like me, Rev. Dr. Daniel served in parish ministry serving one congregation at a time for many years, and then she shifted to Mid-Council Ministry overseeing many congregations in a specific geographic region. In her case, she is the leader of The Michigan Conference of the United Church of Christ. I retired from a position like this in the Presbyterian Church USA in March. I loved it. I think she also loves her newish call.

As a parish Pastor, I dealt with a variety of issues involving parishioners that occasionally required some form of disciplinary consequences as they impacted the congregation I served. As a Mid-Council Leader, I dealt with the same issues but they specifically involved a pastor or some other congregational staff member.

In my denomination’s disciplinary process, the board of elders (the Session) deals with misconduct involving congregants. The corporate bishop (the Presbytery) deals with misconduct involving Clergy and Christian Educators. Although our system is not perfect, I was grateful for it as I read Daniel’s account of her own disciplinary experience. She was accused of sexual misconduct involving a church staff member in 2015. It was terrible. All of it.

As a Mid-Council Leader, if accusations were made public that a clergyperson had been found guilty of some form of misconduct (professional, financial, sexual) I would receive angry phone calls from people reminding me that we Christians believe in grace. “Where is the forgiveness?” some would ask. “This is not even a big deal,” they might say not knowing the details.

Here comes my pastoral plea:

Yes, we who hope to follow Jesus are about redemption and grace. In fact, the Rules of Discipline in our denomination’s Constitution opens with these words:

The power that Jesus Christ has vested in his Church, a power manifested in the exercise of church discipline, is one for building up the body of Christ, not for destroying it, for redeeming, not for punishing. It should be exercised as a dispensation of mercy and not of wrath, so that the great ends of the Church may be achieved, that all children of God may be presented faultless in the day of Christ.

The whole point of “discipline” in the Presbyterian Church U.S.A. is to build up not break down. We are not about destroying each other – although sometimes we are woefully destructive. I thank God for the many times the Presbyteries I served did it well.

When someone is found guilty of misconduct and it’s publicly announced, it is essential that the accused has a circle of support. From the depths of someone’s embarrassment, shame, and humiliation I thank God when there are people who remind them that through Jesus Christ we are forgiven. Kyrie Eleison all day long. I’m grateful for those who reach out to offer support, to pray, get together for lunch, invite them to worship with the congregation they serve. This is holy work.

God is with us no matter what and some of us are called to sit with people in the depths of their regret and pain.

Also there are other people who cannot and should not be the ones who offer these reminders of graceto the accused . Not now. Maybe not ever, needing to separate themselves for their own survival.

There are the victims most directly harmed by the misconduct and then there are the other layers of victims who feel morally wounded. Their hearts are broken. Their souls are troubled to the point of paralysis. Those who admired and depended on the accused feel like they never knew them. Maybe they know devastating details that cannot be shared. The resulting detritus caused by misconduct can impact relationships beyond easy repair.

Again, those found guilty of misconduct need a team to dry their tears and hear their confession. They need spiritual direction and counseling and – again – reminders of grace.

And – again – some of us cannot be on that team. It doesn’t feel safe. Maybe it’s not safe.

There are so many things about Lillian Daniel’s book that I like. And there are other things she doesn’t seem to understand, but then again this is her experience. Sometimes it seems like the guilty bounce back more quickly than the layers of victims (primary, secondary, tertiary, quaternary, and even those far outside the Church who will use this story to point to yet another reason why Christians are hypocrites.) The guilty are often required to process their actions so it happens very intentionally. Victims might need a longer time to process their pain.

Some of us leave Church if we have committed some shameful act. Or we leave because we’re so disillusioned by the shameful acts of our leaders. Lillian Daniel doesn’t leave:

“The memories and scars we carry from one church experience follow us to another. While I don’t love those memories, I am grateful for them. They allow me to relate to the outsiders who are still seeking something from the church today.”

“The most important person in the church is the one who has not yet arrived.”

There’s a discussion guide in the back of this book that looks essential to our own personal processing. Most of us have experienced disappointments and shame and grace. I hope you will read the book about Lillian Daniel’s experience – unless you just can’t.