Can a Good Father Be a Bad Man?

This is both a belated post about Fathers’ Day as well as a post about sin. I am well acquainted with sin and not only because I’ve seen things after 40+ years of professional ministry. Mostly I’m well acquainted with sin because I myself am a miserable sinner. I could do better every day and yet I don’t.

Last weekend I was thinking about friends of mine for whom Fathers’ Day is rough and not because their beloved fathers have passed away. (Note: many embrace the image of God as Father for the reasons the author Diane Tennis spells out in this book.) So many of my friends and colleagues have had relationships with their fathers that involved cruelty and coldness. They sought the love of their dads only to be ignored if not betrayed. Those dads could have done better but they didn’t.

This is an excellent podcast in which the writer Tom Junod talks about his father who was both a David Niven-esque charmer and an unrepentant adulterer. He was a wonderful father who also brought pain to quite a few people including Junod’s mother.

I was also thinking about a woman named Gudrun Burwitz who adored her own father in spite of his shortcomings. Yes, he was also a womanizer but he also read her stories and wrote her lovely letters and phoned her every day when his work required being away from home. Also her father happened to be the architect of the Holocaust who asked his daughter to call his boss “Uncle Hitler.” After her father died by suicide (although she was certain he’d been murdered) until her own death in 2018, she maintained that he’d been a good father.

Ms. Burwitz’s situation is obviously an extreme one, but I’m cognizant of the fact that all of us fall short of God’s glory whether we are Nazis or unexceptional liars and cheaters. My concern is for those who never acknowledge that they are responsible for the pain of other human beings.

I am a Reformed Christian/follower of Jesus and so – all my life – I’ve been taught that God is God and we are not. It’s not that human beings are imperfect. Of course we are imperfect.

It’s about the fact that in the midst of life’s joys and successes, we could all do better. We all have some weaknesses/mistakes/gravely poor choices to confess. I’m frankly concerned that as autocrats and billionaires (and at least one trillionaire) continue to gain control and more power in this world, there are fewer calls to acknowledge our basic sinfulness.

Can a good father be a bad man? Of course. Can a good mom be a bad woman? Of course.

I remember a church member who was so cruel to his friends. He took advantage of another church leader’s dementia. He used the church to benefit himself. He verbally abused other church people behind closed doors. But his family lauded his integrity and gentleness when he passed away. Their experience had not been the same as the experience of others.

And this is life. It’s rare when there is no one who can offer a kind word about someone’s life (although I’ve done those funeral too.) My hope is that we can become – as they say – the people our dogs think we are. God is gracious. And we can all do better.